Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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