It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
