my shit smells like andre
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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