Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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