how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
