When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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