hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize