Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
