this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I lost the right to judge tonight
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
