New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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