I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you didnt know i had herpes?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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