My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I will die if light touches me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
