We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
