Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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