How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
