Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
