Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
