I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She told me I should be a condom model.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
