the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
