My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
