did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
