new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
