i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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