the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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