The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
