I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
