I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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