Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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