I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
