Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
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As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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