Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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