In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
