um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
