No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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