Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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