you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
