I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
