As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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