he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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