At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
