so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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