need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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