Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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