i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
