bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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