No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
