I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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