made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it was like eating out sand paper
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
