No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
bring money and cleavage
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
