I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
