she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
