She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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