I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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