My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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