I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
