I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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