Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
